My life is so weird sometimes...

My life has changed a lot since I became a professional pole dancer. By now, I'm getting used to some of the stranger things that are just part and parcel of the the daily grind of the pro pole dancer's life. But every now and again, something happens that makes me sit back and think, wow, now that was weird. Here are a few recent examples. 

Topless Waiter Emergency!

On the weekend, we had an emergency at the Pole Dance Academy. A serious emergency. The topless waiter/life drawing model we had booked for a hen's/bachelorette party we were hosting at the studio went MIA on us. Just didn't show up. How unprofessional! I mean, I understand that topless waiting and posing nude for tipsy hens is probably not his life goal, but at the same time, if you commit to something, either do it properly or don't do it at all. Whether it be driving a taxi, extracting teeth, mowing lawns, herding sheep or getting your willy out for a bunch of shrieking women, take pride in your work!

Anyway, so Mr No-Show really left us in a bind. We had eleven women waiting for the naked man they had been promised. My sister Maddie and I weren't sure what to do. So we sat down on the couch, and rang our regular and trusted topless waiter agency, Topless Events (who we should have stuck with, instead of trying a new agency!). No luck. So we tried some others. No good either. No one could help.

This was all we needed. Too much to ask for???

Next step: we got out our mobile phones and called every single guy we knew who we thought might be up for it. None of them were available. However, they did give us phone numbers of people who might be game. So, armed with the phone numbers of a few poor unsuspecting Sydney men, we began cold calling them. The conversations went along these lines:

Me: "Oh hi there. My name is Shimmy. Ah, I mean, Michelle. So, we don't actually know each other, but I got your number from Yvette, who works for us." 

Sean: "Oh yeah, I know Yvette. What can I do for you?" 

Me: "Well, don't be offended, but, um, we have something of an emergency here... We really need a man who would be happy to serve some drinks topless, and then get naked for 10 or so women to draw him. Yvette thought you might be up for it." 

Sean: "Ahh, no, sorry, I can't." 

Me: "Um, ok. Would it make a difference if we paid cash?" 

Sean: "Nope." 

Me: "Ok, I understand. Well, have a nice afternoon." 

Sean: "Wait - I have a mate who might do it..." 

Me: "Great! Can I have his number?"

I passed the phone on to Maddie at this point. She made the next call.

Maddie: "Hi, is this Nick?" 

Nick: "Yes. Who is this?" 

Maddie: "My name is Maddie, and I hope this doesn't sound weird, but we really need a man who would be happy to serve some drinks topless, and then get naked for a bunch of women to draw him. We got your number from Sean." 

Nick: "From Sean? You know Sean?" 

Maddie: "No, we don't actually know Sean, but we just spoke to him on the phone, and he said you might be interested."

[Some confusion followed. As it turned out, Nick was Dutch, and didn't speak English very well. Maddie had to repeat to him a few times exactly what it was that we wanted. Eventually, Nick got the drift.]

Nick: "But I have never done this before." 

Maddie: "No worries at all! It's easy! You just sit there, and the girls draw! You'll love it." 

Nick: "Can I keep my boxers on?" 

Maddie: "No, unfortunately not." 

Nick: "Well, I don't know." 

Maddie: "Please? You'd be doing us a massive favour!" 

Nick: "Well, ok, I guess. What's the address?"

Maddie got off the phone and looked at me. 

"I feel so bad!" She said. "I've just convinced him in 5 minutes to make a big decision about becoming a stripper!" 

"No time to worry about that," I said. "We have to hurry. Those hens will be getting angry if they don't see a naked man soon! Anyway, it's life modelling, not stripping. It's all for the sake of art. He'll be fine."

So we jumped in the car and raced to the studio, hoping to get there before Nick, so we could brief him on how to get brief-less. 

We got there just in time. Nick arrived, straight from Bondi Beach, where he'd been relaxing on the sand when he got our random phone call. Nick was nervous. Particularly because, as he explained to me, when he got nervous: "it gets smaller". I told him not to worry about that and ushered him into the room, praying that the girls would be gentle with him.  

As it turned out, Nick had a great time. Not only did he enjoy being a "life model", the girls were also obviously quite happy with what they saw, because Nick scored a phone number off one of the girls. He even offered us his services again should we have another such emergency. So all's well that ends well. 

But still, cold calling random men to ask them to come get naked for you is a little weird. Like, very weird. I was just surprised at how hard it was to find one who would do it!

I put this in black and white because, as everyone knows that if it's black and white, it's art.

 

Famous on TV

One of the fun things about this job is you never know what each day is going to bring. One day, I got an email from a casting agent asking if the Pole Dance Academy girls would be interested in auditioning for a television commercial for a big sportswear brand. The product was a new type of shoe that is supposed to give you a better bum (I think we all know how gullible you would have to be to believe that, but anyway). 

My sister and I were both free, so we packed a bag with some sequin bikinis and stripper shoes, and set off. 

When we got to the audition, we were told that unfortunately they hadn't been able to organise a pole. My sister and I exchanged glances.

Me: "So if there's no pole, how do you want us to pole dance for you?" 

Casting agent: "Well, we've cleared a space in the middle of the room, so if you can just sort of show us what you've got, without a pole, that would be great."

Me: "OK. I guess we can just do some floor work or something. Where can I plug my iPod in?"

Casting agent: "Yeah, so unfortunately we don't actually have any music capability here."  

Me: "No music?"

Casting agent: "No." 

Me: "So you want us to pole dance for you with no pole, and no music?"

Casting agent: "Yeah, that's right." 

Me: (rolls eyes) 

The audition itself was one of the most awkward things I've ever done. Picture a small room with no windows, two female casting agents operating a camera, me in a bikini "pole dancing without a pole", and no sound other than the hum of fluorescent lights and my own breathing. AWKWARD. 

We didn't even get the job. Possibly because the consumer watchdog got on to them about making false claims about the butt-lifting effects of their sneakers... Or possibly because they found someone else who could pole dance without a pole better than we could. Sigh.

Pole gigs can be such a drag... 

One of my boyfriend's friends was about to turn 40, and he wanted to celebrate in style. So he hired the penthouse floor of the fanciest nightclub in Sydney, and invited a hundred or so of his closest friends. He had a whole swag of entertainment acts for the night, including Maddie, Yvette and me. He told us that his favourite singers were Madonna and George Michael, and gave us a list of his favourite songs.

We got a bit carried away, and choreographed a massive mega-mix medley of Madonna and George Michael songs, which of course included a re-enactment of George's arrest for having sex in a public toilet. I have to say that even though at first it felt a little strange pole dancing in chaps whilst rocking a moustache and chest hair.... um, I kinda liked it... Plus I think I made a great man. What do you think?

Me as George Michael

George Michael being taken in by Constables Yvette and Maddie

In fact, the more I think I about it, the more I'm beginning to think we should have ditched Nick and used me for the topless waiter emergency! I mean, it's not like I have boobs or anything... hahaha maybe not.

Let me teach you how to be sexy...

We got asked to do a hens party for a lovely bunch of girls, who had hired a suite in a city hotel for their celebrations. They didn't have the hotel's permission to put up the pole, so we said we'd teach them some burlesque basics and lap dance moves instead. 

The girls were very enthusiastic, particularly the hen. She was very interested in learning how to do a sexy chair dance for her future husband. Now, I pride myself on my chair dance and lap dance skills. It's something that I consider to be a real art form, and I take it very seriously. 

So imagine my distress when, halfway through teaching the hen a very sexy back bend off the lap of her lucky man, I suddenly found myself flat on my back on the floor, legs akimbo with the chair on top of me. The girls all shrieked, and began fussing over me to make sure I was ok.

Ever the professional, I tried to act all nonchalant about it. 

"Girls, I'm fine. I was just trying to demonstrate to you how not to do it, and some of the things that can go wrong when you're attempting a lap dance. You can really hurt yourself, so you have to be careful. And yes, as you see from my back, carpet burn is a real risk."

How it's meant to look.

Cries for help 

Ah, Facebook. The best way to link in with people who can help you to master the life skills you need to survive in your world. In a moment of cyber-serendipity, as I was writing this blog, I received a desperate plea for guidance from one of my facebook friends:

Hey Shimmy,
I thought I would ask you this as I have been practising my Booty skills since your workshop. You know the stance you had us in where we are standing, holding the pole and with our feet flat on the ground, you get us to stick our butts out and shake our knees in & out? Is that the right movement? I feel as though I am shaking my knees left & right rather quickly and feeling the reverberation in my butt... 

The whole point of this is to make my butt cheeks & backs of thighs look like they are vibrating?? 

Also, been practising pinching each butt cheek individually. This is where you had us sit on the floor with our legs spread and get us to clench each butt cheek.
I find when I do this move, I can feel my knees popping as I clench each side...is this still clenching the butt muscles? Can be kind of hard to see in the mirror sometimes... 

Is this the right way to go about it? Is this something that needs practising to be able to see the butt muscles move?
Thanks so much, Shimmy!~

 To which I reply:   

Hi there! 

Yes that's right, but make sure you keep your legs straight and your knees locked, and it should look like your butt cheeks are almost clapping.

As for the butt "clenching", it's not in your knees, its in your thighs and butt cheeks.
Keep it up!!

PS I'm writing a blog about the funny things that happen in a pole dancer's life, and it strikes me that getting messages like this is pretty funny. Would you give me permission to copy and paste your message?
xxx

(She did).

 

And the moral of the story is...

That even though my life is crazy and weird, that's exactly how I like it and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm a very happy pole dancer.

Shimmy xxx

Pop Pole Quiz! What kind of pole student are you?

I have been teaching pole dance now for a while. I've noticed over the years that there are several distinct categories of pole students. So I have designed this little list of pole student categories, for you to determine what type of pole student you are. Study this guide carefully and make your decision.

Maddie studying hard at the Pole Dance Academy.

The Kamikaze

The Kamikaze strikes fear in a pole teacher's heart. The Kamikaze appears unconcerned by the concept of gravity.  The Kamikaze has no regard to the fundamental rule of pole: that failure to have the pole wedged firmly into some crevice of your body will mean that you will likely plunge to the ground.

The Kamikaze will nod and agree while the teacher gives firm, clear instructions on how to avoid falling off the pole when attempting a new move. Then, once the teacher steps away, the Kamikaze throws herself gleefully and with reckless abandon at the pole, caring not for her own safety nor that of innocent bystanders.

Fortunately, Kamikaze pole students also seem to be blessed with an uncanny knack for somehow managing to save themselves from face-planting at the last minute. And so they live to Kamikaze pole dance another day.

These students are what Public Liability Insurance was invented for.

Tip: Try to avoid giving your teacher a heart attack by always having at least one arm or leg on the pole at a time.

My artistic interpretation of a Kamikaze.
You will note that she has only one hand on
the pole, and both her legs are nowhere near
the pole. Not recommended. 

The Former Jazz Dancer

The Former Jazz Dancer knows that there is dance magic in mathematics. She loves nothing better than a well-counted routine, where each move falls neatly into an 8 count. If you look closely, you can see her mouth moving ever so slightly as she dances, "ONE, two, three, four, FIVE, six, seven, eight..."

Nothing frustrates the Former Jazz Dancer more than a pole teacher who can't count properly. You can spot the Former Jazz Dancer by the exasperated expression on her face at the end of this conversation with her teacher:

Student: "So do we step on 3, or 5?"
Teacher: "Ummm, I don't know... What did I just do?"
Student: "You stepped on 3."
Teacher: "Ok, 3 then."
Student: "But before that, you stepped on 5."
Teacher: "Right... Well, let's just see what happens this time. Ok class, let's take it from the top!"
Student: "Grrrr"

Tip: If you need to count, count! Dance to your own beat. And if your beat is right, and everyone else's is wrong... who cares! Remember that pole dancers usually aren't classically trained, so be patient with them :-)

Amber Ray
It is thanks to Amber that I now know how to count.
Sometimes. Sort of. 

The Self Taught Pole Dancer

The Self Taught Pole Dancer is the student who began her pole journey at home, in her living room, running between her X-Pole and her laptop. She is a YouTube and Facebook aficionado, and managed to progress to an impressive level all by herself at home, until eventually succumbing to the pull of her local pole studio.

The Self Taught Pole Dancer is a little overwhelmed in class. She calls all the moves by a different name. She uses her left leg when everyone else uses their right leg. She's a little freaked out by the noise and craziness of a pole class with 10 other girls, but she loves it!


Tip: Get to a class at least every now and again if you can - you'll be amazed at how much easier that tricky moves becomes once you've had someone break it down for you.

Shelle, from Melbourne, getting some tips
from her Facebook pole buddies.

The Overly Trusting Student

This student has complete and utter faith in her pole dance teacher. She knows her that her teacher will always be there for her, and will catch her when she falls. But not in the supportive, metaphorical sense. In the literal sense. This student will drop suddenly and without warning, usually out of a painful pole combo, and fully expect to be caught by her teacher.

A good pole teacher will prepare herself for this student by taking off her stripper shoes, getting a mat ready, and adopting a brace position every time the student attempts a painful move.

In Australia, we also call these students Drop Bears.

Tip: Try to give some warning that you are about to drop. Please!

A Drop Bear after attempting a superman
for the first time.

The Prodigy

This pole student is a natural born thriller. She gets every new move on her first or second attempt. She feels no pain, and has no fear. Her teachers are simultaneously awe-struck by her ability, and unerved at how quickly she is catching up to them.

This is the student everyone loves to hate. But don't be a hater - love her! She can't help being awesome, and besides, if you're nice to her, she might give you a few tips about that tricky combo you've been working on ;-)

Tip: Keep on being great - and try to stay humble...

The Battler

The Battler is not naturally adept at pole dancing. But she absolutely frickin loves it, and it shows. She is dedicated, hard-working, and though her progress is slow, each hard-won victory is a celebration for her and for her teacher. She has repeated every level at least twice, but she is slowly and steadily getting stronger and more flexible, and is making new discoveries about what she is capable of every day. She may never make it to advanced, but she is going to work as hard as she can to be the very best damn pole dancer she can be.

I'm going to put it out there and nominate the Battler as one of my favourite types of student. Go girl!


Tip: Keep at it!!

The Battler at the top of one of the many
hills she has conquered.
Note her expression of grim determination
(it was meant to be a smile but I'm not
a great drawer)

The "I Can't" Student

This student is firmly convinced that there is something fundamentally different about her body, and believes that the difference makes her physically incapable of certain moves. This belief usually stems from an off-hand comment some doctor or physio made to her a few years ago, which the I Can't Student has taken to heart as gospel. Something like "you know, your hip flexors are tighter than most peoples." As a result, the I Can't Student refuses to accept that anything can be done to change her destiny as the Girl With The Tight Hip Flexors.

As her teacher approaches her, the I Can't Student will grip the pole and say firmly, "I can't do this move." Even if she hasn't even tried it yet. However, with gentle and patient persuasion, the I Can't Student can usually be convinced that she should try at least to refrain from saying "I can't do this move," in favour of saying, "I can't do this move... YET."

Tip: Stay positive - don't create limitations for yourself :-)

The Scaredy Cat

The Scaredy Cat is a variation of the Can't Student. The Scaredy Cat refuses to try a new move until she has watched every single other student in the class attempt it and survive it, without plunging to their death. The Scaredy Cat requires a lot of convincing, cajoling, coaxing and bribing from her teacher in order to get her up the pole. Even then, she does it unwilling, with big, fearful eyes.

It is a mystery to everyone why the Scaredy Cat loves pole so much when she seems to spend the entire class in abject terror of her impending doom. But she's there every week, ready to be frightened up the pole again.

Tip: Have the firemen on speed dial. They're excellent at getting frightened pussycats out of trees, and they know their way around a pole as well ;-)

The Scaredy Cat's worst fears coming true.  

The Athlete

The Athlete is the student who has played every sport under the sun. She is strong, flexible, fast, and coordinated. But she cannot for the life of her point her toes, extend her limbs, arch her back or stick her boobs out. She is a little baffled to discover that pole dance may be the one thing she is not a natural at.

You can spot the Athlete because she arrives at her first class wearing trainers and knee-length running shorts. She says couldn't possibly pole dance in heels because she can't even walk in them, let alone dance. In fact, she's not even sure whether she owns a pair.

Tip: Practice working on your sexy at home in front of a mirror when no one is watching.
 

The Good Girl Gone Bad

This is the student who keeps her pole habit a secret from everyone she knows. She can hardly believe she dared to enrol in pole. She's the quiet one up the back, and is too shy to talk to anyone. She arrives to the studio dressed neatly in a twin set and skirt, and then changes into the cheekiest hot pants in class.

You can tell a Good Girl Gone Bad by the fact that she keeps giggling to herself in class and muttering under her breath "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" She's a lady on the street and a freak on the pole.


Tip: Keep it up - I love it!

Miss Bunni Lambada. The sweetest pole siren you
ever did meet.

The Desperate Housewife

The Desperate Housewife is the happily married yummy mummy who is as devoted to pole dance as she is to her husband and children. That is, of course, until her husband and children try to come between her and her beloved pole. Unfortunately, husbands and children are usually horrified by the fact that their wife and mum is a pole dancer. But they quickly learn not to say anything about it, because when the Desperate Housewife feels threatened, things at home take a turn for the worse. 

Remember, pole husbands: happy wife, happy life.

Tip: Don't show off your pole tricks at your kids' birthday parties. 

The lovely Yvette doing some housework before pole class.

The Motor Skills Challenged Student

This student is not the boss of her own body. In fact, it seems that her body has a mind of its own, and she has little to no control over what her body will do next. In her brain, she understands that she needs to hook her right leg around the pole, but something happens to the brain signals as they travel from her head to her leg, and she ends up grasping desperately at the pole with her left arm instead.  She is capable of unintentionally tying herself into such complex knots around the pole that she needs someone to help unravel her.

The Motor Skills Challenged Student is often unable to distinguish left from right. To overcome this difficulty, the teacher might consider writing a big 'R' and 'L' on the Motor Skills Challenged Student's hands (careful not to let her do it herself, or, if she does, make sure you check that she got it the right way around).

This student also has difficulty working out which way is forwards and backwards, up and down, and inside and outside. In my experience, the best way to help the Motor Skills Challenged Student is to physically manipulate her into the desired position, and then tell her to try to memorise how the position feels. A plus side can be that sometimes in her confusion the Motor Skills Challenged Student will accidentally create a new and interesting combo - and a good teacher will pay close attention to what this student is doing, because the Motor Skills Challenged Student is unlikely to be able to replicate it once she's disentangled herself from the pole.

Tip: You'll get there! It will get easier as your muscle memory develops :-)

Nothing to be ashamed of. The old right from left
can be a bit tricky when you're upside down. 

The Born Again Pole Dancer (aka the Evangelist)

The Born Again Pole Dancer considers the date of her first pole class to be the anniversary of when life really began for her. She now devotes her life to two main tasks: as much pole training as she can possibly fit in, and preaching the benefits of pole worship to everyone she comes across. She cannot imagine life without pole, and she now wonders what on earth she did with her time (and money) before she discovered pole.

Pole is not just a hobby for the Born Again Pole Dancer. Pole is a way of life.

Tip: As a Born Again Pole Dancer myself, I try really hard to not talk about pole too much to my non-pole friends. But it's hard. Really hard. That's kind of why I started this blog ;-)

I love you pole and I will never let you go. 

The Boys...

Of course, I know that an increasing number of men are getting involved in pole. This blog is obviously directed towards the majority, but boys, so you don't feel left out, here is a quick shout out to some of my wonderful male students, who fit into these categories.

The "I'm so gay I can barely function and pole dance is a natural expression of that" Student

A common feature at most pole studios. Characteristics of this student:

• wears 8 inch stripper heels to class even though he is already 6 feet tall and as a result can only climb once before hitting his head on the ceiling;
• goes into paroxysms of pleasure at the sight of sequin hot pants; 
• is not shy about telling his female classmates that he thinks he looks better in sequin hot pants than they do; and
• is the fiercest performer at the studio amateur night, where one performance contains at least 8 costume changes, glitter, LED lights, special effects, and a megamix of 5 different Top 50 pop singles.

The fabulous Candy Cane doing his thing.

The "I may be gay, but nonetheless I do not want to dance like a girl"Student

This student loves his pole, but feels silly when it comes to routine time. He does not wish to booty pop and body roll. So he stands aside, a little awkwardly, and waits for the silliness of floor work to end so that he can get back to what he likes best: pole tricks. 

The "I'm straight, but I'm here to learn pole, not to perve!!" Student 

Studio owners need to be careful of this breed of pole student. You really need to suss out their intentions. All jokes aside, a pole studio is primarily a place where women go to work out and feel good about themselves, and to have fun while doing so. The straight male student who is permitted to participate in classes has a special place of trust, and should be careful not to jeopardise that! Some studios don't allow male students at all, for this very reason. 

At the Pole Dance Academy, we have one straight male student, Benji. He loves the pole. And his pole dancing girlfriend Pepper, a teacher at Pole Dance Academy. And every single girl in the studio has a mega crush on him! There are definitely some perks to being the only straight male in a pole student... 

Benji. We all have to be careful to make sure we don't
end up sexually harassing him in pole class. 

The Chinese Pole Artist 

The Chinese Pole Artist has probably only recently discovered the pole dance community, and is a little bemused but pleased to discover that there is a little micro-cosmos jam-packed with women who genuinely understand and are impressed by his particular skill set. 

However, the Chinese Pole Artist is not 100% certain that his artistic integrity as a circus performer will not be compromised by mingling with pole dancers. For this reason, the Chinese Pole Artist may be a little reticent at first about dipping his toe into the crazy waters of the pole dance world, but as they seem to keep coming back for more, we can only assume that they find it at least a little bit fun ;-)

Chinese pole artist, Duncan West, contemplating how
on earth he wound up onstage at a pole dance
competition. 

Conclusion

Wow, this blog ended up being a lot longer than I intended... But I still can't say that it's an exhaustive list! I guess it goes to show that there are all types of pole students in this wonderful world of pole dance. As a teacher, I love helping them all to discover the amazing things their bodies can do.

Knowing what kind of pole student you are might help you to overcome the challenges you meet along the way... or you might just have a good old laugh at yourself ;-)

Thanks to Brad Edwards, Justin Tran and Ron Clarke for some of the photos used in this blog :-)

Shimmy xxx

PS I'm about to jet off to go to the US, France, England, Ireland and Spain over June, July and August. My next blog will have more details of my travels. Go to www.michelleshimmy.com for workshop dates and locations if you want to take a class with me :-)

Pole Dancer Problems - Support is here!

I'm not one to complain. I know that life as a professional pole dancer is awesome. I love my job, and there's certainly never a dull moment. But as with all jobs, there are a few aspects of a pole dancer’s working life that require a bit of forbearance. The life of a pole dancer isn't always sunshine and roses, or even sequins and feathers, for that matter. Here is a list of a few of the ignominies we as pole dancers are required to endure in the name of our chosen profession.

Carpet burn

Oh God. This is one of the worst. When you see a fully-grown adult woman with carpet burn on her knees and elbows, most people assume there is only one logical explanation for it. I'm suffering from a bit of it at the moment, after a performance at a pub recently on a carpeted stage. 

I see non-pole dancing members of society looking at my knees and elbows curiously, and then politely look away. It makes me want to exclaim loudly, no people! The scabs on my elbows and knees are not from wild sexual rampages (ha - I wish)! They're from too much floor-work on carpeted surfaces. But the problem is, when you explain to non-pole dancers (let's call them civilians) that your carpet burn is not the result of a sexual orgy but from a pole dance performance on carpet in a pub, it probably won't really reassure them that you are an upstanding member of the community... Sigh...

Goodbye boobs, hello pecs

Those who know me via facebook will know that the loss of my bosoms is something I still mourn. Overall, I welcome the improved muscle tone that has come with pole, but I can’t deny that I often spend time looking at old photos of my boobs in a bikini and grieve. RIP, Shimmy’s bosoms. RIP. 

Check out my before and after shots.

Tailored clothing 

I still have my tailored shirts, jackets and dresses hanging up in my closet, even though I know for a fact that there is no way in hell I could possibly squeeze my bulging biceps into the sleeves of these elegant garments anymore. 

Every now and again I make the mistake of taking a non stretch item away with me somewhere, and then have to wear it because I didn’t pack anything else. I spend the rest of the day feeling like the Hulk, worrying that every time I move my clothes will shred and my true rippling green monster self will emerge. Rahhhh!!

It’s all about lycra these days. Head to toe lycra. I should be sponsored by Supre. 

Hungry. All. The. Time. 

Being in training for a big competition makes me feel like some kind of wild hunting jungle cat. Sometimes after the end of a training session, I’m so ravenous I can’t even think or speak until I’ve refueled. Be warned – if I have food in my hand after a training session and you ask for a bite, I’m likely to bite you. And growl. 

And then there’s the shaky hands and the pumped forearm, which make it impossible to get food from your hand to your face without spilling it all over yourself (which I do all the time – and Bailey Hart I know you do too – the stains on your ugg boots are a dead giveaway).

Bruises

We all know about the bruises. We’ve all been there, we all know about it - it’s a similar problem to the carpet burn issue. 

In my opinion, it’s the bruises on the inside of your upper arms, your hips and your thighs that are the hardest to explain to civilians. Of course, you can dress to hide your bruises. But as we all know, pole dancers are secretly proud of their bruises, which means that rather than hiding them, the pole dancer will wear them with pride, and even boast about them. 

But take note – civilians do not understand the rationale behind Bruise Pride. For a civilian, a bruise is the result of an embarrassing tumble or some kind of painful accident. Civilians think Bruise Pride is strange. 

Recently, I was getting a coffee with my boyfriend in a café when a policewoman walked in. I was wearing a top that revealed the bruises on my upper arm and hip. I caught the policewoman looking at them. For a moment, just for a laugh, I considered eyeballing my boyfriend and then mouthing the word “HELP” to her, but then I thought better of it. My boyfriend would not have been amused by that. 

Experiencing intense Bruise Pride

Random injuries

One of the joys of pole dancing is discovering new muscles you never knew you had. One of the downsides of pole dancing is that sometimes you discover these new muscles as a result of injury. Pole dancing injuries often occur in complex muscle groups that can make daily life activities challenging. 

Some of the regular life activities made more difficult by common pole injuries include:

-Trying to drive a manual car with hip flexor issues

-Taking off a t-shirt with rotator cuff issues

-Stiff neck from too many head rolls/hair flicks

-Sprained ankle from rolling your ankle in stripper shoes

-Sharp, stabbing pain in your side when sneezing, coughing or laughing from ribs that have been knocked out of place. It is not uncommon to hear a pole dancer say when laughing “Hahahaha no wait stop hahaha don’t make me laugh hahaha owww my ribs stop hahaha OWWWW….!!!”

When worlds collide

Unless you are a full-time pole dancer with no other income-generating side activities, chances are you will at times feel obliged to keep quiet about your pole activities in certain social settings. If you have a professional job in the conservative corporate world, you might even feel like you lead a double life sometimes (I know I did, back in the day).

But in spite of your best efforts, sometimes worlds collide and your secret will be revealed. Some common examples of how this can happen include: 

• You end up drinking too much at a work function, which can result in inappropriate splits and backbends in front of your colleagues;
• You run into your boss as you come off-stage at a local pub’s amateur pole competition;
• A video of one of your pole performances on youtube goes viral in the office, without your knowledge
• You get over-excited about something and inadvertently let slip: “This one time, at pole camp…”

YouTube

Murphy’s Pole Dancing Law: the worst performance you’ve ever given in your entire life will be the one that has the most hits on YouTube. Guaranteed. 

Family members

Proud Parents vs Embarrassed Parents - which is worse? The embarrassed parent will try to hide your pole dancing activities from other family members and friends. The proud parent shares your pole dancing pics on their facebook page and pulls up your youtube videos at family gatherings – seemingly oblivious to the awkwardness that ensues. 

My parents fall into the proud parent category. A while back, a local newspaper did a story on me and my pole studio (the Pole Dance Academy). After the article went to print, I got a phone call from my dad. This was our conversation. 

Me: “Hi dad! What’s up?”

Dad: “Great article in the paper!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Dad: “I showed it to some of my mates at work, but geez, people can be strange sometimes.”

Me: “What makes you say that, dad?”

Dad: “Well, a couple of them said, doesn’t it bother you, to see your daughter in the paper wearing only her underwear?”

Me: “Oh.”

Dad: “How narrow-minded is that! They just don’t get it, do they? Idiots.”

Me: “You’re awesome, dad.”

I was reminded of this conversation when I read Aerial Amy's blog about her parents' reaction to her awesome booty shaking tutorial (check it out here).

My grandmother is also a great supporter and promoter of my pole dancing. She’s quite a tech-savvy grandmother, and whenever she comes to watch one of my shows, and always records them on her digicam, to play back for me later. She takes photos too, and then emails the photos and videos to her elderly cousins and relatives in Switzerland, boasting about her granddaughter the pole dancer and lawyer. I’m sure that my unknown Swiss relatives are quite bemused by the emails they get from Down Under. 

And of course, in every family there is the problem of the weird uncle who is overly interested in your pole dancing pursuits and wishes to discuss them with you in detail at every opportunity. 

Personal grooming

Getting halfway through a pole performance and being struck by the sudden realization that you did not tend to you lady garden that morning is horrifying. All I can say on this topic is: laser hair removal. A God send for us pole dancers. Expensive, yes, but think of it as an investment in your sanity. 

Hitting the dance floor

I cannot join other civilians dancing at family or kid-friendly events anymore.  I stand shyly against the wall and watch longingly while everyone else carves it up on the dance floor. This is because a side-effect of pole dancing is that you become so immune to sexy dancing that you’re no longer sure what’s appropriate.  

Example of inappropriate dance floor
behaviour at civilian gatherings.

The problem of not knowing how to dance like a civilian is particularly obvious at weddings and birthday parties, when booty shaking, fish flops and splits on the dancer floor aren’t acceptable.  Really – they’re not. Don’t argue with me on this one. Just take my word for it.

I decided to stop dancing at weddings after I saw this photo. 

Rough skin

I once went to brush the hair out of my eyes with my hand and scratched the skin of my face with the callouses on the palm of my hand. I’m not kidding. There was blood, and it hurt. 

Other side-effects of callouses:

• any massage you give is less of a sensual experience for the recipient and more of an exfoliation;
• you put ladders in your stockings as soon as you put them on, but you can’t be sure if the ladders are from the callouses on your hands, the back of your knees, or the inside of your thighs;
• people give you funny looks when you shake hands for the first time (unless the other person is also a pole dancer, in which case the feeling of a callous on a callous becomes almost like a secret society handshake).

Miscellaneous problems

• Being allergic to chrome. Imagine what this must be like for a pole teacher! It’s like being allergic to your office desk. Lou Landers can tell you all about it – but take heart - she doesn’t let it hold her back, and neither should you. 
• Waking up every day feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck until you’ve had a long hot shower to coax your muscles into cooperation. 
• Say goodbye to prettily pedicured toes. Pole dancing ruins pedicures. Unless you do as I have done in the below pic.

Conclusion

So there you have a list of pole dancer problems. It’s not an easy life. I think it’s important for us to all support each other through the travails of our profession. Remember that you are not alone in the daily struggles you face. 

But who am I kidding, right? All of the above just adds to the fun of it.

I FREAKIN LOVE POLE DANCING!!!!

Shimmy xx

www.michelleshimmy.com

PS Feel free to add your "Pole Dancer Problems" below :-)

A Survivor's Guide to Pole Competitions

Everything you need to know to survive a pole competition... (and maybe even enjoy it)


Why am I doing this to myself??
You're sitting backstage in your sequinned bikini, waiting for your name to be called. You've broken out in a cold sweat all over your body - except for your palms, which are hot and sweaty. You apply another coat of Dry Hands. Now your hands are slimy. You wish they were as dry as your mouth, which is causing you problems swallowing.

You take a deep breath, realising that you are close to hyperventilating. You want to throw up. You start to question your sanity. You wonder whether your decision to enter a pole competition is actually a symptom of latent sado-masochism. Perhaps you should seek professional treatment. You wonder why in God's name you are putting yourself through this.

Then your name is called. You step onstage in to the bright lights, and hear the crowd roar. You hope that your muscle memory will carry you through the next 3-5 minutes, because you're pretty sure your brain won't be much use. You can hear the crowd cheering your name. You're doing it!

Then it's all over in a flash. You step off stage gasping for breath, staggering in your stripper heels, reaching for water as you collapse on the floor... You did it! And more than that - you want to go again!

Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions that is competitive pole dancing. It's pretty addictive.

Taking the plunge... Entering your first competition 
I remember in vivid detail the first time I entered a pole comp. I thought long and hard about it before entering. Was I ready? Would people laugh? Would my costume fall off? After a fair bit of agonising, I decided to do it.

It was Miss Pier Hotel, Amateur Division. I had a pink and leopard print bikini, some false eyelashes and my shoes (this was back in the old days when no one dreamed of performing pole barefoot). I packed my bag with everything I needed, shanghai-ed my friend Laura in to coming along to support me, and drove to the Pier Hotel.

As soon as we parked the car I began to experience heart palpitations, which only worsened when I walked in the door of the hotel. All I could see was a blur of fluorescent road-worker vests.

For those of you unfamiliar with the illustrious Miss Pier Hotel comp, let me explain. The venue is not the sort of place a self-respecting lady would usually go for a drink. Its customers are usually salt of the earth, bearded, tattooed, hard-drinking, hard-living characters. I was absolutely terrified.  I turned around so fast I nearly knocked my friend Laura over. But Laura stood firm - both literally and figuratively - she would not let me back out of the comp. She wanted to see me do my stuff.

So, I agreed, in spite of my rising anxiety at the thought of performing in front of this particular crowd. Here's a photo to give you an idea of how classy this venue is - check out the guys in the background. I should probably point out that this photo was not taken at my first comp - as you can see, by the time this pic was taken, I'd grown more comfortable in this environment ;-).

Anyway, I was absolutely terrified. But it was great. I had a blast. It all went just fine - the crowd loved it and I ended up winning my division. And I became addicted to competing from that moment on.

Competition Tips
1. Make a list 
In the weeks building up to the competition, make a list of all the things you think you might need on the day. Some essentials are:
- grip aids (put your name on them to avoid confusion backstage)
- costume (both pieces - top and bottom - seriously, double check that you have both pieces!)
- DOUBLE SIDED TAPE! Essential. The last thing you want to be worried about is whether you're giving the audience more than they paid for.
- music (check whether you need it on CD or iPod. If CD, bring two copies, with your name on them - just in case)
- stripper shoes if you're wearing them, and if not, a pair of thongs (or flip-flops for the Americans) to keep your feet clean before you go onstage if you're dancing barefoot
- baby wipes (to clean your feet, and wipe yourself down if you get a bit sweaty)
- make up for touch ups
- bottle of water and snacks
- a wheelie bag to put all your stuff in, maybe with a lock on it, if you're performing somewhere without a secure backstage area.  That way you can throw everything in your bag at the end of the night, lock it, and put it somewhere safe so you can go dance and celebrate the end of the competition.


2. Backstage étiquette

Try to avoid at all costs:
- Diva behaviour. That means no tantrums, no sulking, no hysterics - even if you have a disastrous performance and your costume falls off.
- Fighting with other contestants. Not cool.
- Attempts at "psyching out" other contestants by talking about how amazing your routine is. By the same token, don't lie and say you haven't rehearsed at all, and then bust out a phenomenal performance.
- Do not walk off-stage after your show and announce "THE POLE IS SO SLIPPERY!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"
- Ignoring other contestants when they try to talk to you.

Good behaviour:
- Being friendly, warm and respectful to other contestants.
- Sharing. If someone is in a panic and has forgotten their Dry Hands, offer to share yours.
- Wishing contestants good luck, and asking them how they went when they come off stage.

You're all in it together, so you may as well try to have as much fun as you can together on the night.

Announcements and Prize Giving

And now for the moment everyone has been waiting for... You're holding your breath, hoping your name will be called.

If it is called, be gracious in victory. You might want to avoid:
- fist pumping;
- hooting and hollering;
- show boating;
- over the top displays of excitement.

Even though you are justifiably over the moon at having won, be sensitive to the fact the other contestants onstage are probably feeling very disappointed. All your hard work has paid off, but all the others (who have probably worked just as hard) have just had their dreams crushed.

If you lose, take it with dignity. Don't be a sore loser. And wait til you get home before you start ranting about how you were robbed - even if you, your friends, your mum and your dad are all certain that you were ;-)

Some tips from the Pro's
I asked around a bit for some tips and helpful suggestions from some seasoned competitors. Here's what they had to say.

Amber Ray:

"Get some extra classes in before the comp in dance and gymnastics, don't just stick to pole. And practise your game face in front of a mirror, that alone can make or break a performance."

Hanka Venselaar
"Training is important...but it's even more important to listen to your body and take enough rest.... I found out the hard way..." (Hanka fell ill after training too hard for a competition).

Natasha Wang
"Finalize your routine choreography AT LEAST 3 weeks before the competition date so you can spend the last weeks running your routine over and over and over, with the last week in costume. These last few weeks are when you start baking in those important nuances, like facial expressions, emotion, storytelling, and when you perfect details such as making sure tricks are angled correctly to the audience, floor passes start and end on the correct parts of the stage, etc."

Marlo Fisken
"Make sure to choreograph time to just "be" in your routine. Moments of nothing are often the most beautiful, and many routines are too jam packed to let the natural flow come out.
Being on stage will often make you rush, so practice...."

Lolo Hilsum

"My advice is to do your choreography alone. Because the dance is one identity, some feelings, one personality. And it is very important to make a story. When I build my choreo, I have a lot of images in my mind and each movement has a meaning.  I was alone when I started pole dancing and I really do it for myself. So I didn't wish anything except to live my passion."

And my tips... (even though I admit that unfortunately I'm not always enough in control of my nerves to follow my own advice!)
I try to treat each competition like a performance, and to forget that there will be winners and losers at the end of the night. I figure that really, you're only competing with yourself, and I take each competition as an opportunity to train my bottom off. I'm always amazed at how much stronger and more flexible I feel after a competition, and that's why I do them.

When conceptualising and choreographing a routine, stay true to yourself and your own style. If you try to create a routine based on what you think the judges want, there's no guarantee that you'll win, and then you'll just have a performance that you didn't really believe in. Challenge yourself with a difficult routine, but if a move's not working, ditch it. Try to rest the day before the comp.

On the night, stretch really well before your performance. The adrenaline will make you feel stronger and more flexible, but you can still injure yourself if you don't warm up properly. When you're onstage, keep your facial expressions alive - don't go on robotic autopilot - and finish off every move before attempting the next one. In my experience, you have to put 150% effort in onstage for it to look like you're giving it 60%, so you really have to put your all in to it.

And finally... Enjoy it! You've worked so hard, you should take a second before you go on to congratulate yourself for all the effort you've put in. It's your moment - let yourself have some fun onstage!

And to finish...

Lastly, I wanted to share something that pole artist Timber Brown wrote. I think it accurately describes a competitor's final seconds before stepping onstage.

"The lights are warm. My hands tremble. I pray that they will do the same thing that they have done in the countless rehearsals that have depicted this moment so many times before. There are no guarantees. Will harmony find it's way into my life right now? That perfect place that is the crux of mind, body, and every external factor in between. I use my final two seconds to prepare for my five minutes of fame..." 

Gulp. Take a deep breath. It's your time to shine. 

Shimmy xx