A Useful Guide to Understanding Your Friendly Pole Dancer

There have been a few of those Shit Pole Dancers Say videos going around lately (including one we made at the Pole Dance Academy). It got me thinking about how united we are worldwide in our weird pole dancer quirks. So I thought I would put together a little guide of essentials to understanding the ins and outs of pole dancers. Enjoy :-)

Tip 1: Must Love Cats
It seems that every second pole dancing clip on YouTube features a kitty cat swirling in between the ankles of her pole dancing mum. The pole dancer's kitty is usually staunchly opposed to pole dancing, especially when it steals attention away from more pressing demands, such as tending to the kitty's needs. More proactive kitties also engage the "pounce and attack" technique while mum is mid-swing through the air, in an attempt by the kitty to redirect attention away from the pole and back to its furry little self. NB: if this is a technique your kitty uses, take advantage of it by blaming the kitteh for your failure to make your phoenix. Miaow.


Tip 2: Must be on Facebook/Youtube
If a pole dancer deadlifts and no one on Facebook sees it, does she make a sound? Who knows, who cares - what's important is that if you don't post about it or boast about it on Facebook, it never happened.

Tip 2: The Polegasm 
Polegasm (noun): a series of intensely pleasurable waves throughout the entire body that a pole dancer experiences when achieving a difficult move for the first time. Multiple polegasms are known to occur if the move is new, or if a group of pole dancers are present to witness the event. The best way to prolong the polegasm experience is to post about it on Facebook (see Tip 2).

This term I believe was originally coined by Ms Billie of Sydney, Australia, and we thank her for so succinctly describing what we have all experienced.

Tip 3: The Pole Crush
The Pole Crush is a phenomenon commonly experienced by most, if not all, pole dancers. It consists of unreasoning devotion bordering on stalker-like behaviour, and is a typical reaction to close contact with any of the following pole dancer specimens:

• Jenyne Butterfly
• Felix Cane
• Alethea Austin
• Zoraya Judd
• Oona Kivela
• Natasha Wang
• Anastasia Skukhtorova
• Alesia Vazmitsel
• Jamilla Deville
• Amber Ray
• Marlo Fisken
• Pantera
• Fawnia Dietrich
• And so on.

The list of potential Pole Crush Objects is longer than that set out above, and highly individual. Symptoms of Pole Crush include: inane and uncontrollable giggling, blushing, tendency to say stupid things (or, worse, complete inability to say or do anything at all, other than dumbstruck goldfish-like gawping), insistence on being photographed with the Pole Crush Object (no matter how sweaty and dishevelled you look after a long workshop), paying ridiculous amounts of money for the privilege of looking uncoordinated in workshops with the Pole Crush, dying of happiness when the Pole Crush likes one of your facebook posts... and many more. 

To date, no known cure is available for the Pole Crush. 

Tip 4: Must Have Highly Developed Stalker Abilities
Your average pole dancer knows more about other pole dancers living in other countries than s/he knows about their next door neighbour. Pole dancers have stalking abilities that would impress an FBI agent. I bet you can pass the following quiz easily, without even having to check:

1. Alethea Austin's favourite drink?
2. Felix Cane's signature tattoo?
3. Jenyne Butterfly's city of residence?
4. Zoraya Judd's husband's name?
5. The name of your Pole Crush's pet? 

Tip 4 is essential in satisfying your obligations under Tip 3. 

Tip 5: Must Have an Encyclopaedic Knowledge of Every Pole Move Performed Since the Dawn of Time

I bet you can remember who first performed the Spatchcock, and who is responsible for the Deville/Jade split, even if you have trouble remembering your own phone number or your dad's birthday.

Tip 6: Fiercely held Pole Principles

The pole dancer has his/her beliefs, and will stick to them, no matter how persuasive your arguments. These include:

1. Pole dancing should ALWAYS be done in stripper shoes.
2. Pole dancing should NEVER be done in stripper shoes.
3. Gymnastics has no place in pole dance. 
4. Contemporary dance has no place in pole dance.  
5. Stripper style dance is superior.
6. Stripper style dance is the history of pole dance. Contemporary pole is the future. 
7. You're not a "real dancer" if you only have pole training. 
8. Pole should be in the Olympics.
9. Pole should NEVER be in the Olympics!
10. Boys should be welcomed. 
11. NO BOYS!!! Well, maybe only gay boys. Maybe. If they behave. 

So on some topics, we're as conflicted as we are united on others. Fortunately, it seems we're all ok with agreeing to disagree. For now. 

Tip 7: A Rose by Any Other Name...

Pole dancers experience a sense of smug satisfaction when they discover what their pole friends' real names are... Wait, you mean to say that her mother didn't have the foresight to actually name her Crystal Light Rainflower?? Her real name is Gertrude Richardson?? Wow. 

Tip 8: Irrational distrust of all other forms of exercise

By and large, pole dancers tend to resist fiercely all other forms of exercise, including running, going to the gym, and anything that involves cardio, really. But that's only because all forms of physical exertion other than pole dance are well known to be inferior and not worthy of our time. 

Tip 9: The Pole Nemesis

The Pole Nemesis is the antithesis to the Pole Crush. The Pole Nemesis is that one pole dancer in your studio, a different studio, or even in a different country, who just bugs you for no apparent reason. If great care is not taken, the pole dancer can become convinced that everything the Pole Nemesis does is intentionally done just to bug the pole dancer. There is no rational foundation for this condition, and as with Tip 3, there is no known cure. 

Tip 10: Drunk pole dancing in public 

While sober, pole dancers will try to eliminate the possibility of drunken pole dancing in public ("alcopoling") by employing one of the following strategies while dressing for a night out:

1. wearing stockings;
2. wearing long pants;
3. wearing a g-string so skimpy that even when drunk the pole dancer will be less inclined to invert publicly;
4. publicly stating that certain venues with poles are off-limits.

Of course, after a few drinks are consumed, stockings/pants come off, full briefs are borrowed from friends, and prior statements retracted - woohoo let's climb those poles, biatchezzzz!!! Yeeeehaaaa!!

Drunk pole dancing in public is always followed by a bout of Public Pole Dancer's Remorse the next day. Unfortunately the intensity of the remorse is never sufficient to prevent future incidents of Drunk Pole Dancing in Public.

Miscellaneous Tips
Your pole dancer is also likely to:

• be intensely proud of his/her bruises;
• want to climb street signs and be photographed doing so;
• challenge boys in bars to push up contests;
• have the disgusting habit of peeling callouses in public;
• own a large collection of dress shorts;
• shudder when s/he estimates how much of his/her income is spent on pole dancing;
• justify that it's much better to spend money on pole dancing than on alcohol and drugs;
• know exactly what s/he is looking for in the crotch of a pair of knickers; and
• plan significant life events and holidays around important dates in the pole calendar; and
• be able to walk, dance and run in stripper heels, but struggle to stay upright in regular high heels.  

So there you have it - a few tips on understanding the Pole Dancer. Please feel free to add your own below :-)

Shimmy xx