Pop Pole Quiz! What kind of pole student are you?

I have been teaching pole dance now for a while. I've noticed over the years that there are several distinct categories of pole students. So I have designed this little list of pole student categories, for you to determine what type of pole student you are. Study this guide carefully and make your decision.

Maddie studying hard at the Pole Dance Academy.

The Kamikaze

The Kamikaze strikes fear in a pole teacher's heart. The Kamikaze appears unconcerned by the concept of gravity.  The Kamikaze has no regard to the fundamental rule of pole: that failure to have the pole wedged firmly into some crevice of your body will mean that you will likely plunge to the ground.

The Kamikaze will nod and agree while the teacher gives firm, clear instructions on how to avoid falling off the pole when attempting a new move. Then, once the teacher steps away, the Kamikaze throws herself gleefully and with reckless abandon at the pole, caring not for her own safety nor that of innocent bystanders.

Fortunately, Kamikaze pole students also seem to be blessed with an uncanny knack for somehow managing to save themselves from face-planting at the last minute. And so they live to Kamikaze pole dance another day.

These students are what Public Liability Insurance was invented for.

Tip: Try to avoid giving your teacher a heart attack by always having at least one arm or leg on the pole at a time.

My artistic interpretation of a Kamikaze.
You will note that she has only one hand on
the pole, and both her legs are nowhere near
the pole. Not recommended. 

The Former Jazz Dancer

The Former Jazz Dancer knows that there is dance magic in mathematics. She loves nothing better than a well-counted routine, where each move falls neatly into an 8 count. If you look closely, you can see her mouth moving ever so slightly as she dances, "ONE, two, three, four, FIVE, six, seven, eight..."

Nothing frustrates the Former Jazz Dancer more than a pole teacher who can't count properly. You can spot the Former Jazz Dancer by the exasperated expression on her face at the end of this conversation with her teacher:

Student: "So do we step on 3, or 5?"
Teacher: "Ummm, I don't know... What did I just do?"
Student: "You stepped on 3."
Teacher: "Ok, 3 then."
Student: "But before that, you stepped on 5."
Teacher: "Right... Well, let's just see what happens this time. Ok class, let's take it from the top!"
Student: "Grrrr"

Tip: If you need to count, count! Dance to your own beat. And if your beat is right, and everyone else's is wrong... who cares! Remember that pole dancers usually aren't classically trained, so be patient with them :-)

Amber Ray
It is thanks to Amber that I now know how to count.
Sometimes. Sort of. 

The Self Taught Pole Dancer

The Self Taught Pole Dancer is the student who began her pole journey at home, in her living room, running between her X-Pole and her laptop. She is a YouTube and Facebook aficionado, and managed to progress to an impressive level all by herself at home, until eventually succumbing to the pull of her local pole studio.

The Self Taught Pole Dancer is a little overwhelmed in class. She calls all the moves by a different name. She uses her left leg when everyone else uses their right leg. She's a little freaked out by the noise and craziness of a pole class with 10 other girls, but she loves it!


Tip: Get to a class at least every now and again if you can - you'll be amazed at how much easier that tricky moves becomes once you've had someone break it down for you.

Shelle, from Melbourne, getting some tips
from her Facebook pole buddies.

The Overly Trusting Student

This student has complete and utter faith in her pole dance teacher. She knows her that her teacher will always be there for her, and will catch her when she falls. But not in the supportive, metaphorical sense. In the literal sense. This student will drop suddenly and without warning, usually out of a painful pole combo, and fully expect to be caught by her teacher.

A good pole teacher will prepare herself for this student by taking off her stripper shoes, getting a mat ready, and adopting a brace position every time the student attempts a painful move.

In Australia, we also call these students Drop Bears.

Tip: Try to give some warning that you are about to drop. Please!

A Drop Bear after attempting a superman
for the first time.

The Prodigy

This pole student is a natural born thriller. She gets every new move on her first or second attempt. She feels no pain, and has no fear. Her teachers are simultaneously awe-struck by her ability, and unerved at how quickly she is catching up to them.

This is the student everyone loves to hate. But don't be a hater - love her! She can't help being awesome, and besides, if you're nice to her, she might give you a few tips about that tricky combo you've been working on ;-)

Tip: Keep on being great - and try to stay humble...

The Battler

The Battler is not naturally adept at pole dancing. But she absolutely frickin loves it, and it shows. She is dedicated, hard-working, and though her progress is slow, each hard-won victory is a celebration for her and for her teacher. She has repeated every level at least twice, but she is slowly and steadily getting stronger and more flexible, and is making new discoveries about what she is capable of every day. She may never make it to advanced, but she is going to work as hard as she can to be the very best damn pole dancer she can be.

I'm going to put it out there and nominate the Battler as one of my favourite types of student. Go girl!


Tip: Keep at it!!

The Battler at the top of one of the many
hills she has conquered.
Note her expression of grim determination
(it was meant to be a smile but I'm not
a great drawer)

The "I Can't" Student

This student is firmly convinced that there is something fundamentally different about her body, and believes that the difference makes her physically incapable of certain moves. This belief usually stems from an off-hand comment some doctor or physio made to her a few years ago, which the I Can't Student has taken to heart as gospel. Something like "you know, your hip flexors are tighter than most peoples." As a result, the I Can't Student refuses to accept that anything can be done to change her destiny as the Girl With The Tight Hip Flexors.

As her teacher approaches her, the I Can't Student will grip the pole and say firmly, "I can't do this move." Even if she hasn't even tried it yet. However, with gentle and patient persuasion, the I Can't Student can usually be convinced that she should try at least to refrain from saying "I can't do this move," in favour of saying, "I can't do this move... YET."

Tip: Stay positive - don't create limitations for yourself :-)

The Scaredy Cat

The Scaredy Cat is a variation of the Can't Student. The Scaredy Cat refuses to try a new move until she has watched every single other student in the class attempt it and survive it, without plunging to their death. The Scaredy Cat requires a lot of convincing, cajoling, coaxing and bribing from her teacher in order to get her up the pole. Even then, she does it unwilling, with big, fearful eyes.

It is a mystery to everyone why the Scaredy Cat loves pole so much when she seems to spend the entire class in abject terror of her impending doom. But she's there every week, ready to be frightened up the pole again.

Tip: Have the firemen on speed dial. They're excellent at getting frightened pussycats out of trees, and they know their way around a pole as well ;-)

The Scaredy Cat's worst fears coming true.  

The Athlete

The Athlete is the student who has played every sport under the sun. She is strong, flexible, fast, and coordinated. But she cannot for the life of her point her toes, extend her limbs, arch her back or stick her boobs out. She is a little baffled to discover that pole dance may be the one thing she is not a natural at.

You can spot the Athlete because she arrives at her first class wearing trainers and knee-length running shorts. She says couldn't possibly pole dance in heels because she can't even walk in them, let alone dance. In fact, she's not even sure whether she owns a pair.

Tip: Practice working on your sexy at home in front of a mirror when no one is watching.
 

The Good Girl Gone Bad

This is the student who keeps her pole habit a secret from everyone she knows. She can hardly believe she dared to enrol in pole. She's the quiet one up the back, and is too shy to talk to anyone. She arrives to the studio dressed neatly in a twin set and skirt, and then changes into the cheekiest hot pants in class.

You can tell a Good Girl Gone Bad by the fact that she keeps giggling to herself in class and muttering under her breath "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" She's a lady on the street and a freak on the pole.


Tip: Keep it up - I love it!

Miss Bunni Lambada. The sweetest pole siren you
ever did meet.

The Desperate Housewife

The Desperate Housewife is the happily married yummy mummy who is as devoted to pole dance as she is to her husband and children. That is, of course, until her husband and children try to come between her and her beloved pole. Unfortunately, husbands and children are usually horrified by the fact that their wife and mum is a pole dancer. But they quickly learn not to say anything about it, because when the Desperate Housewife feels threatened, things at home take a turn for the worse. 

Remember, pole husbands: happy wife, happy life.

Tip: Don't show off your pole tricks at your kids' birthday parties. 

The lovely Yvette doing some housework before pole class.

The Motor Skills Challenged Student

This student is not the boss of her own body. In fact, it seems that her body has a mind of its own, and she has little to no control over what her body will do next. In her brain, she understands that she needs to hook her right leg around the pole, but something happens to the brain signals as they travel from her head to her leg, and she ends up grasping desperately at the pole with her left arm instead.  She is capable of unintentionally tying herself into such complex knots around the pole that she needs someone to help unravel her.

The Motor Skills Challenged Student is often unable to distinguish left from right. To overcome this difficulty, the teacher might consider writing a big 'R' and 'L' on the Motor Skills Challenged Student's hands (careful not to let her do it herself, or, if she does, make sure you check that she got it the right way around).

This student also has difficulty working out which way is forwards and backwards, up and down, and inside and outside. In my experience, the best way to help the Motor Skills Challenged Student is to physically manipulate her into the desired position, and then tell her to try to memorise how the position feels. A plus side can be that sometimes in her confusion the Motor Skills Challenged Student will accidentally create a new and interesting combo - and a good teacher will pay close attention to what this student is doing, because the Motor Skills Challenged Student is unlikely to be able to replicate it once she's disentangled herself from the pole.

Tip: You'll get there! It will get easier as your muscle memory develops :-)

Nothing to be ashamed of. The old right from left
can be a bit tricky when you're upside down. 

The Born Again Pole Dancer (aka the Evangelist)

The Born Again Pole Dancer considers the date of her first pole class to be the anniversary of when life really began for her. She now devotes her life to two main tasks: as much pole training as she can possibly fit in, and preaching the benefits of pole worship to everyone she comes across. She cannot imagine life without pole, and she now wonders what on earth she did with her time (and money) before she discovered pole.

Pole is not just a hobby for the Born Again Pole Dancer. Pole is a way of life.

Tip: As a Born Again Pole Dancer myself, I try really hard to not talk about pole too much to my non-pole friends. But it's hard. Really hard. That's kind of why I started this blog ;-)

I love you pole and I will never let you go. 

The Boys...

Of course, I know that an increasing number of men are getting involved in pole. This blog is obviously directed towards the majority, but boys, so you don't feel left out, here is a quick shout out to some of my wonderful male students, who fit into these categories.

The "I'm so gay I can barely function and pole dance is a natural expression of that" Student

A common feature at most pole studios. Characteristics of this student:

• wears 8 inch stripper heels to class even though he is already 6 feet tall and as a result can only climb once before hitting his head on the ceiling;
• goes into paroxysms of pleasure at the sight of sequin hot pants; 
• is not shy about telling his female classmates that he thinks he looks better in sequin hot pants than they do; and
• is the fiercest performer at the studio amateur night, where one performance contains at least 8 costume changes, glitter, LED lights, special effects, and a megamix of 5 different Top 50 pop singles.

The fabulous Candy Cane doing his thing.

The "I may be gay, but nonetheless I do not want to dance like a girl"Student

This student loves his pole, but feels silly when it comes to routine time. He does not wish to booty pop and body roll. So he stands aside, a little awkwardly, and waits for the silliness of floor work to end so that he can get back to what he likes best: pole tricks. 

The "I'm straight, but I'm here to learn pole, not to perve!!" Student 

Studio owners need to be careful of this breed of pole student. You really need to suss out their intentions. All jokes aside, a pole studio is primarily a place where women go to work out and feel good about themselves, and to have fun while doing so. The straight male student who is permitted to participate in classes has a special place of trust, and should be careful not to jeopardise that! Some studios don't allow male students at all, for this very reason. 

At the Pole Dance Academy, we have one straight male student, Benji. He loves the pole. And his pole dancing girlfriend Pepper, a teacher at Pole Dance Academy. And every single girl in the studio has a mega crush on him! There are definitely some perks to being the only straight male in a pole student... 

Benji. We all have to be careful to make sure we don't
end up sexually harassing him in pole class. 

The Chinese Pole Artist 

The Chinese Pole Artist has probably only recently discovered the pole dance community, and is a little bemused but pleased to discover that there is a little micro-cosmos jam-packed with women who genuinely understand and are impressed by his particular skill set. 

However, the Chinese Pole Artist is not 100% certain that his artistic integrity as a circus performer will not be compromised by mingling with pole dancers. For this reason, the Chinese Pole Artist may be a little reticent at first about dipping his toe into the crazy waters of the pole dance world, but as they seem to keep coming back for more, we can only assume that they find it at least a little bit fun ;-)

Chinese pole artist, Duncan West, contemplating how
on earth he wound up onstage at a pole dance
competition. 

Conclusion

Wow, this blog ended up being a lot longer than I intended... But I still can't say that it's an exhaustive list! I guess it goes to show that there are all types of pole students in this wonderful world of pole dance. As a teacher, I love helping them all to discover the amazing things their bodies can do.

Knowing what kind of pole student you are might help you to overcome the challenges you meet along the way... or you might just have a good old laugh at yourself ;-)

Thanks to Brad Edwards, Justin Tran and Ron Clarke for some of the photos used in this blog :-)

Shimmy xxx

PS I'm about to jet off to go to the US, France, England, Ireland and Spain over June, July and August. My next blog will have more details of my travels. Go to www.michelleshimmy.com for workshop dates and locations if you want to take a class with me :-)

Pole Dancer Problems - Support is here!

I'm not one to complain. I know that life as a professional pole dancer is awesome. I love my job, and there's certainly never a dull moment. But as with all jobs, there are a few aspects of a pole dancer’s working life that require a bit of forbearance. The life of a pole dancer isn't always sunshine and roses, or even sequins and feathers, for that matter. Here is a list of a few of the ignominies we as pole dancers are required to endure in the name of our chosen profession.

Carpet burn

Oh God. This is one of the worst. When you see a fully-grown adult woman with carpet burn on her knees and elbows, most people assume there is only one logical explanation for it. I'm suffering from a bit of it at the moment, after a performance at a pub recently on a carpeted stage. 

I see non-pole dancing members of society looking at my knees and elbows curiously, and then politely look away. It makes me want to exclaim loudly, no people! The scabs on my elbows and knees are not from wild sexual rampages (ha - I wish)! They're from too much floor-work on carpeted surfaces. But the problem is, when you explain to non-pole dancers (let's call them civilians) that your carpet burn is not the result of a sexual orgy but from a pole dance performance on carpet in a pub, it probably won't really reassure them that you are an upstanding member of the community... Sigh...

Goodbye boobs, hello pecs

Those who know me via facebook will know that the loss of my bosoms is something I still mourn. Overall, I welcome the improved muscle tone that has come with pole, but I can’t deny that I often spend time looking at old photos of my boobs in a bikini and grieve. RIP, Shimmy’s bosoms. RIP. 

Check out my before and after shots.

Tailored clothing 

I still have my tailored shirts, jackets and dresses hanging up in my closet, even though I know for a fact that there is no way in hell I could possibly squeeze my bulging biceps into the sleeves of these elegant garments anymore. 

Every now and again I make the mistake of taking a non stretch item away with me somewhere, and then have to wear it because I didn’t pack anything else. I spend the rest of the day feeling like the Hulk, worrying that every time I move my clothes will shred and my true rippling green monster self will emerge. Rahhhh!!

It’s all about lycra these days. Head to toe lycra. I should be sponsored by Supre. 

Hungry. All. The. Time. 

Being in training for a big competition makes me feel like some kind of wild hunting jungle cat. Sometimes after the end of a training session, I’m so ravenous I can’t even think or speak until I’ve refueled. Be warned – if I have food in my hand after a training session and you ask for a bite, I’m likely to bite you. And growl. 

And then there’s the shaky hands and the pumped forearm, which make it impossible to get food from your hand to your face without spilling it all over yourself (which I do all the time – and Bailey Hart I know you do too – the stains on your ugg boots are a dead giveaway).

Bruises

We all know about the bruises. We’ve all been there, we all know about it - it’s a similar problem to the carpet burn issue. 

In my opinion, it’s the bruises on the inside of your upper arms, your hips and your thighs that are the hardest to explain to civilians. Of course, you can dress to hide your bruises. But as we all know, pole dancers are secretly proud of their bruises, which means that rather than hiding them, the pole dancer will wear them with pride, and even boast about them. 

But take note – civilians do not understand the rationale behind Bruise Pride. For a civilian, a bruise is the result of an embarrassing tumble or some kind of painful accident. Civilians think Bruise Pride is strange. 

Recently, I was getting a coffee with my boyfriend in a café when a policewoman walked in. I was wearing a top that revealed the bruises on my upper arm and hip. I caught the policewoman looking at them. For a moment, just for a laugh, I considered eyeballing my boyfriend and then mouthing the word “HELP” to her, but then I thought better of it. My boyfriend would not have been amused by that. 

Experiencing intense Bruise Pride

Random injuries

One of the joys of pole dancing is discovering new muscles you never knew you had. One of the downsides of pole dancing is that sometimes you discover these new muscles as a result of injury. Pole dancing injuries often occur in complex muscle groups that can make daily life activities challenging. 

Some of the regular life activities made more difficult by common pole injuries include:

-Trying to drive a manual car with hip flexor issues

-Taking off a t-shirt with rotator cuff issues

-Stiff neck from too many head rolls/hair flicks

-Sprained ankle from rolling your ankle in stripper shoes

-Sharp, stabbing pain in your side when sneezing, coughing or laughing from ribs that have been knocked out of place. It is not uncommon to hear a pole dancer say when laughing “Hahahaha no wait stop hahaha don’t make me laugh hahaha owww my ribs stop hahaha OWWWW….!!!”

When worlds collide

Unless you are a full-time pole dancer with no other income-generating side activities, chances are you will at times feel obliged to keep quiet about your pole activities in certain social settings. If you have a professional job in the conservative corporate world, you might even feel like you lead a double life sometimes (I know I did, back in the day).

But in spite of your best efforts, sometimes worlds collide and your secret will be revealed. Some common examples of how this can happen include: 

• You end up drinking too much at a work function, which can result in inappropriate splits and backbends in front of your colleagues;
• You run into your boss as you come off-stage at a local pub’s amateur pole competition;
• A video of one of your pole performances on youtube goes viral in the office, without your knowledge
• You get over-excited about something and inadvertently let slip: “This one time, at pole camp…”

YouTube

Murphy’s Pole Dancing Law: the worst performance you’ve ever given in your entire life will be the one that has the most hits on YouTube. Guaranteed. 

Family members

Proud Parents vs Embarrassed Parents - which is worse? The embarrassed parent will try to hide your pole dancing activities from other family members and friends. The proud parent shares your pole dancing pics on their facebook page and pulls up your youtube videos at family gatherings – seemingly oblivious to the awkwardness that ensues. 

My parents fall into the proud parent category. A while back, a local newspaper did a story on me and my pole studio (the Pole Dance Academy). After the article went to print, I got a phone call from my dad. This was our conversation. 

Me: “Hi dad! What’s up?”

Dad: “Great article in the paper!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Dad: “I showed it to some of my mates at work, but geez, people can be strange sometimes.”

Me: “What makes you say that, dad?”

Dad: “Well, a couple of them said, doesn’t it bother you, to see your daughter in the paper wearing only her underwear?”

Me: “Oh.”

Dad: “How narrow-minded is that! They just don’t get it, do they? Idiots.”

Me: “You’re awesome, dad.”

I was reminded of this conversation when I read Aerial Amy's blog about her parents' reaction to her awesome booty shaking tutorial (check it out here).

My grandmother is also a great supporter and promoter of my pole dancing. She’s quite a tech-savvy grandmother, and whenever she comes to watch one of my shows, and always records them on her digicam, to play back for me later. She takes photos too, and then emails the photos and videos to her elderly cousins and relatives in Switzerland, boasting about her granddaughter the pole dancer and lawyer. I’m sure that my unknown Swiss relatives are quite bemused by the emails they get from Down Under. 

And of course, in every family there is the problem of the weird uncle who is overly interested in your pole dancing pursuits and wishes to discuss them with you in detail at every opportunity. 

Personal grooming

Getting halfway through a pole performance and being struck by the sudden realization that you did not tend to you lady garden that morning is horrifying. All I can say on this topic is: laser hair removal. A God send for us pole dancers. Expensive, yes, but think of it as an investment in your sanity. 

Hitting the dance floor

I cannot join other civilians dancing at family or kid-friendly events anymore.  I stand shyly against the wall and watch longingly while everyone else carves it up on the dance floor. This is because a side-effect of pole dancing is that you become so immune to sexy dancing that you’re no longer sure what’s appropriate.  

Example of inappropriate dance floor
behaviour at civilian gatherings.

The problem of not knowing how to dance like a civilian is particularly obvious at weddings and birthday parties, when booty shaking, fish flops and splits on the dancer floor aren’t acceptable.  Really – they’re not. Don’t argue with me on this one. Just take my word for it.

I decided to stop dancing at weddings after I saw this photo. 

Rough skin

I once went to brush the hair out of my eyes with my hand and scratched the skin of my face with the callouses on the palm of my hand. I’m not kidding. There was blood, and it hurt. 

Other side-effects of callouses:

• any massage you give is less of a sensual experience for the recipient and more of an exfoliation;
• you put ladders in your stockings as soon as you put them on, but you can’t be sure if the ladders are from the callouses on your hands, the back of your knees, or the inside of your thighs;
• people give you funny looks when you shake hands for the first time (unless the other person is also a pole dancer, in which case the feeling of a callous on a callous becomes almost like a secret society handshake).

Miscellaneous problems

• Being allergic to chrome. Imagine what this must be like for a pole teacher! It’s like being allergic to your office desk. Lou Landers can tell you all about it – but take heart - she doesn’t let it hold her back, and neither should you. 
• Waking up every day feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck until you’ve had a long hot shower to coax your muscles into cooperation. 
• Say goodbye to prettily pedicured toes. Pole dancing ruins pedicures. Unless you do as I have done in the below pic.

Conclusion

So there you have a list of pole dancer problems. It’s not an easy life. I think it’s important for us to all support each other through the travails of our profession. Remember that you are not alone in the daily struggles you face. 

But who am I kidding, right? All of the above just adds to the fun of it.

I FREAKIN LOVE POLE DANCING!!!!

Shimmy xx

www.michelleshimmy.com

PS Feel free to add your "Pole Dancer Problems" below :-)

A Survivor's Guide to Pole Competitions

Everything you need to know to survive a pole competition... (and maybe even enjoy it)


Why am I doing this to myself??
You're sitting backstage in your sequinned bikini, waiting for your name to be called. You've broken out in a cold sweat all over your body - except for your palms, which are hot and sweaty. You apply another coat of Dry Hands. Now your hands are slimy. You wish they were as dry as your mouth, which is causing you problems swallowing.

You take a deep breath, realising that you are close to hyperventilating. You want to throw up. You start to question your sanity. You wonder whether your decision to enter a pole competition is actually a symptom of latent sado-masochism. Perhaps you should seek professional treatment. You wonder why in God's name you are putting yourself through this.

Then your name is called. You step onstage in to the bright lights, and hear the crowd roar. You hope that your muscle memory will carry you through the next 3-5 minutes, because you're pretty sure your brain won't be much use. You can hear the crowd cheering your name. You're doing it!

Then it's all over in a flash. You step off stage gasping for breath, staggering in your stripper heels, reaching for water as you collapse on the floor... You did it! And more than that - you want to go again!

Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions that is competitive pole dancing. It's pretty addictive.

Taking the plunge... Entering your first competition 
I remember in vivid detail the first time I entered a pole comp. I thought long and hard about it before entering. Was I ready? Would people laugh? Would my costume fall off? After a fair bit of agonising, I decided to do it.

It was Miss Pier Hotel, Amateur Division. I had a pink and leopard print bikini, some false eyelashes and my shoes (this was back in the old days when no one dreamed of performing pole barefoot). I packed my bag with everything I needed, shanghai-ed my friend Laura in to coming along to support me, and drove to the Pier Hotel.

As soon as we parked the car I began to experience heart palpitations, which only worsened when I walked in the door of the hotel. All I could see was a blur of fluorescent road-worker vests.

For those of you unfamiliar with the illustrious Miss Pier Hotel comp, let me explain. The venue is not the sort of place a self-respecting lady would usually go for a drink. Its customers are usually salt of the earth, bearded, tattooed, hard-drinking, hard-living characters. I was absolutely terrified.  I turned around so fast I nearly knocked my friend Laura over. But Laura stood firm - both literally and figuratively - she would not let me back out of the comp. She wanted to see me do my stuff.

So, I agreed, in spite of my rising anxiety at the thought of performing in front of this particular crowd. Here's a photo to give you an idea of how classy this venue is - check out the guys in the background. I should probably point out that this photo was not taken at my first comp - as you can see, by the time this pic was taken, I'd grown more comfortable in this environment ;-).

Anyway, I was absolutely terrified. But it was great. I had a blast. It all went just fine - the crowd loved it and I ended up winning my division. And I became addicted to competing from that moment on.

Competition Tips
1. Make a list 
In the weeks building up to the competition, make a list of all the things you think you might need on the day. Some essentials are:
- grip aids (put your name on them to avoid confusion backstage)
- costume (both pieces - top and bottom - seriously, double check that you have both pieces!)
- DOUBLE SIDED TAPE! Essential. The last thing you want to be worried about is whether you're giving the audience more than they paid for.
- music (check whether you need it on CD or iPod. If CD, bring two copies, with your name on them - just in case)
- stripper shoes if you're wearing them, and if not, a pair of thongs (or flip-flops for the Americans) to keep your feet clean before you go onstage if you're dancing barefoot
- baby wipes (to clean your feet, and wipe yourself down if you get a bit sweaty)
- make up for touch ups
- bottle of water and snacks
- a wheelie bag to put all your stuff in, maybe with a lock on it, if you're performing somewhere without a secure backstage area.  That way you can throw everything in your bag at the end of the night, lock it, and put it somewhere safe so you can go dance and celebrate the end of the competition.


2. Backstage étiquette

Try to avoid at all costs:
- Diva behaviour. That means no tantrums, no sulking, no hysterics - even if you have a disastrous performance and your costume falls off.
- Fighting with other contestants. Not cool.
- Attempts at "psyching out" other contestants by talking about how amazing your routine is. By the same token, don't lie and say you haven't rehearsed at all, and then bust out a phenomenal performance.
- Do not walk off-stage after your show and announce "THE POLE IS SO SLIPPERY!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!"
- Ignoring other contestants when they try to talk to you.

Good behaviour:
- Being friendly, warm and respectful to other contestants.
- Sharing. If someone is in a panic and has forgotten their Dry Hands, offer to share yours.
- Wishing contestants good luck, and asking them how they went when they come off stage.

You're all in it together, so you may as well try to have as much fun as you can together on the night.

Announcements and Prize Giving

And now for the moment everyone has been waiting for... You're holding your breath, hoping your name will be called.

If it is called, be gracious in victory. You might want to avoid:
- fist pumping;
- hooting and hollering;
- show boating;
- over the top displays of excitement.

Even though you are justifiably over the moon at having won, be sensitive to the fact the other contestants onstage are probably feeling very disappointed. All your hard work has paid off, but all the others (who have probably worked just as hard) have just had their dreams crushed.

If you lose, take it with dignity. Don't be a sore loser. And wait til you get home before you start ranting about how you were robbed - even if you, your friends, your mum and your dad are all certain that you were ;-)

Some tips from the Pro's
I asked around a bit for some tips and helpful suggestions from some seasoned competitors. Here's what they had to say.

Amber Ray:

"Get some extra classes in before the comp in dance and gymnastics, don't just stick to pole. And practise your game face in front of a mirror, that alone can make or break a performance."

Hanka Venselaar
"Training is important...but it's even more important to listen to your body and take enough rest.... I found out the hard way..." (Hanka fell ill after training too hard for a competition).

Natasha Wang
"Finalize your routine choreography AT LEAST 3 weeks before the competition date so you can spend the last weeks running your routine over and over and over, with the last week in costume. These last few weeks are when you start baking in those important nuances, like facial expressions, emotion, storytelling, and when you perfect details such as making sure tricks are angled correctly to the audience, floor passes start and end on the correct parts of the stage, etc."

Marlo Fisken
"Make sure to choreograph time to just "be" in your routine. Moments of nothing are often the most beautiful, and many routines are too jam packed to let the natural flow come out.
Being on stage will often make you rush, so practice...."

Lolo Hilsum

"My advice is to do your choreography alone. Because the dance is one identity, some feelings, one personality. And it is very important to make a story. When I build my choreo, I have a lot of images in my mind and each movement has a meaning.  I was alone when I started pole dancing and I really do it for myself. So I didn't wish anything except to live my passion."

And my tips... (even though I admit that unfortunately I'm not always enough in control of my nerves to follow my own advice!)
I try to treat each competition like a performance, and to forget that there will be winners and losers at the end of the night. I figure that really, you're only competing with yourself, and I take each competition as an opportunity to train my bottom off. I'm always amazed at how much stronger and more flexible I feel after a competition, and that's why I do them.

When conceptualising and choreographing a routine, stay true to yourself and your own style. If you try to create a routine based on what you think the judges want, there's no guarantee that you'll win, and then you'll just have a performance that you didn't really believe in. Challenge yourself with a difficult routine, but if a move's not working, ditch it. Try to rest the day before the comp.

On the night, stretch really well before your performance. The adrenaline will make you feel stronger and more flexible, but you can still injure yourself if you don't warm up properly. When you're onstage, keep your facial expressions alive - don't go on robotic autopilot - and finish off every move before attempting the next one. In my experience, you have to put 150% effort in onstage for it to look like you're giving it 60%, so you really have to put your all in to it.

And finally... Enjoy it! You've worked so hard, you should take a second before you go on to congratulate yourself for all the effort you've put in. It's your moment - let yourself have some fun onstage!

And to finish...

Lastly, I wanted to share something that pole artist Timber Brown wrote. I think it accurately describes a competitor's final seconds before stepping onstage.

"The lights are warm. My hands tremble. I pray that they will do the same thing that they have done in the countless rehearsals that have depicted this moment so many times before. There are no guarantees. Will harmony find it's way into my life right now? That perfect place that is the crux of mind, body, and every external factor in between. I use my final two seconds to prepare for my five minutes of fame..." 

Gulp. Take a deep breath. It's your time to shine. 

Shimmy xx

The War is Over! Make peace with your body.

I love my body. It's awesome. It does some amazing things. It's strong, bendy, and transports me wherever I need to go. Amazingly, it even heals itself, given enough time. There are a couple of things I would like it to do better, but I know that if I'm patient with it, feed it the right stuff, take care of it and treat it right, my body will improve on the things I want it to. I have a strong respect for my body, and a huge amount of gratitude that it lets me do so many of the crazy things I want it to.

These days, although there are definitely some things I would like to improve, I feel like my body is an old friend. I know everything about it, its strengths and weaknesses, and I love it the way it is. I feel like we've come so far together that anything else would be nothing more than disloyalty. I'm working on improving the things I want to change, but I don't beat myself up when I don't get the results that I wanted.

I know that it might seem easy for me to say these things. After all, I'm a professional pole dancer, and I train pretty much every single day. But I think that everyone accepts that for most women, there's pretty much no link between how your body looks and how you feel about it. It's always the women who seem to have it all who are the most insecure, right? It's easy to be harsher on yourself than you would ever be to anyone else. In fact, if you overheard a stranger saying out loud to another woman the things that you say to yourself about your own body, you'd be horrified. You'd probably even leap to the poor woman's defence. But I'm guessing you have no problem berating yourself for all your body's shortcomings, real or imaginary.

There's nothing wrong with setting goals and working towards them. I'm not talking about giving up on self-improvement altogether. Maybe you do need to lose weight, gain weight, exercise more, exercise less, or change your eating habits. I'm talking about curbing the self-hatred and disgust that we women seem to heap upon ourselves so readily. I'm talking about learning to respect and love your body for what it can do for you, and to begin taking care of it in the way it deserves.

As a pole instructor, I come into contact with women from all walks of life. When I first began teaching pole, one thing that surprised me was that the women who I thought were in great shape were the ones who were most likely to be unjustifiably mean to themselves. These are the women who refuse point-blank to wear shorts, because, they joke, they wouldn't want to inflict such a sight on the other women in the class. Then they begin to list all the things that are wrong with their bodies. Even though they're making jokes about it, I can always sense the pain and shame they feel. It makes me so sad.

But one of the most beautiful (even miraculous) things about pole is the liberating effect it has on women. I don't know what it is - the all-female environment, the support and encouragement of fellow classmates, the gradual strengthening of previously unknown muscles, the joyous discovery that you are capable of flipping yourself upside down and hanging from one leg in ways you haven't done since you were a kid in the playground - or maybe it's a combination of all of the above?

Whatever it is, it works. I've seen women come to their first pole class in ankle length leggings; women who swear blind that they would never dare to wear shorts. Then, as term progresses, gradually the leggings get shorter. Eventually, they will come up to the front desk and ask shyly about the price of our booty shorts. When they put them on and head back into class, I always play it cool, but on the inside I'm cheering, and I feel so proud I think I might burst.

Our bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. They are marvellous instruments. It's ok to want to work on your body, to be the best that you can be, but it shouldn't involve the degree of self-loathing and disgust that so many women inflict upon themselves.

Take a look at your body right now. You're probably sitting down. Look at your legs. They're just hanging out, waiting for you to tell them where to go next, so they can do exactly as you ask, no problem. Look at your arms. They might be a bit wobbly when you wave to someone as they leave, but they can also carry you up the pole and support your entire body weight (it's true - whether or not you've had the joy of learning that yet). Look at your tummy. It might be squishier than you want it to be. Maybe that's because you've popped out a couple of little ones, in which case it's the amazing cubby house that kept your babies safe while at their most vulnerable. And now look over your whole body - while you're sitting there, thinking terrible things about it, it's just ticking away, doing all the work it needs to do to keep you alive, without you even asking it to. It's an extraordinary machine.

Pole dance taught me to love my body. It wasn't always so. As a teenager in high school, like many other girls my age, I developed what I guess was a borderline eating disorder. It was never full blown anorexia, but I became obsessed with controlling and restricting the food that I ate. I remember so well all the horrible feelings that went along with it. The secrecy, the anger, the self-loathing, the inability to escape my obsession. It stayed with me well into my twenties, on and off. I thought I would never truly be rid of it. I knew so many other girls who were exactly the same as me, whether they admitted it or not, so I came to think it was normal.

Pole dance set me free. It gave me new confidence and an appreciation of my body's capabilities. I stopped dieting. I learnt to stop being suspicious of my body, and began to listen to it, and trust it. Nowadays, I eat when I'm hungry, and I eat real food, not processed "fat-free" or "sugar-free" stuff that's made from who knows what. I'm no longer ashamed of my body. I'm proud of it and all the things it can do. I don't pole dance to stay in shape. I don't even think about that anymore. I just love pole and the feeling of strength and freedom that it brings me.

I'm not saying that to be happy with yourself you need to dance around a pole in your underwear (although it sure worked for me!). I guess I'm just saying that I hope that more women can find a way to un-learn the bad habits we pick up in our teenage years. You and your body are a great team. Especially if you can work together to achieve your goals, rather than on opposite sides of the battle field.

We came into this world with no sense that there was anything shameful or wrong with our bodies. Somewhere along the way we lost that. But that doesn't mean we can't try to get it back.

So. I propose the following. Write a love letter to your own body. Tell it how you feel. Tell it all the things it needs to hear, and if there are a few relationship issues you need to work through, be as subtle and gentle about it as you would with your lover. Here, I'll show you mine to get you started...

Dear Shimmy's Body,

Have I told you lately that I love you? That I really, really appreciate all that you do for me? Like how you just keep on with the breathing and the heart-beating even when I'm not telling you to. And how the more we work at it, the stronger and more flexible you get, even though I know that sometimes it hurts you to do so. I promise I won't push you beyond your capabilities (but let's see if we can go just a little bit further, hey?).

I know I've had some views in the past about the small boobs issue, but heck, who cares. I just want you to know that it's not really a big deal. And when I joke about having man arms, I hope you don't take it personally. I guess I'm just a bit self-conscious about them sometimes.

I'm sorry about all the nonsense you had to put up with over the years. I feel like now we're at a really good place, and I promise to keep working hard to respect you and treat you right.

Keep up the good work!

Love,
Shimmy xxx 

And here is one from my sister Maddie:

Dear Maddie's body,

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me. I love that you love the splits and are helping me again rather then fighting about it every time. I promise I will be more gentle in future. I love you very much and hope that together we can get much much stronger. I promise to take you to the doctor again so we can sort out my sore head and fix the migraines. I just want you to know that even if we never get any stronger or any more flexible I will always love you and am proud of everything we have done together. 

I will try to stop filling you with alcohol (after this Sunday) and eat better food so you don't feel tired.

xx

Maddie  

Have fun writing yours!

Shimmy xxx

A Useful Guide to Understanding Your Friendly Pole Dancer

There have been a few of those Shit Pole Dancers Say videos going around lately (including one we made at the Pole Dance Academy). It got me thinking about how united we are worldwide in our weird pole dancer quirks. So I thought I would put together a little guide of essentials to understanding the ins and outs of pole dancers. Enjoy :-)

Tip 1: Must Love Cats
It seems that every second pole dancing clip on YouTube features a kitty cat swirling in between the ankles of her pole dancing mum. The pole dancer's kitty is usually staunchly opposed to pole dancing, especially when it steals attention away from more pressing demands, such as tending to the kitty's needs. More proactive kitties also engage the "pounce and attack" technique while mum is mid-swing through the air, in an attempt by the kitty to redirect attention away from the pole and back to its furry little self. NB: if this is a technique your kitty uses, take advantage of it by blaming the kitteh for your failure to make your phoenix. Miaow.


Tip 2: Must be on Facebook/Youtube
If a pole dancer deadlifts and no one on Facebook sees it, does she make a sound? Who knows, who cares - what's important is that if you don't post about it or boast about it on Facebook, it never happened.

Tip 2: The Polegasm 
Polegasm (noun): a series of intensely pleasurable waves throughout the entire body that a pole dancer experiences when achieving a difficult move for the first time. Multiple polegasms are known to occur if the move is new, or if a group of pole dancers are present to witness the event. The best way to prolong the polegasm experience is to post about it on Facebook (see Tip 2).

This term I believe was originally coined by Ms Billie of Sydney, Australia, and we thank her for so succinctly describing what we have all experienced.

Tip 3: The Pole Crush
The Pole Crush is a phenomenon commonly experienced by most, if not all, pole dancers. It consists of unreasoning devotion bordering on stalker-like behaviour, and is a typical reaction to close contact with any of the following pole dancer specimens:

• Jenyne Butterfly
• Felix Cane
• Alethea Austin
• Zoraya Judd
• Oona Kivela
• Natasha Wang
• Anastasia Skukhtorova
• Alesia Vazmitsel
• Jamilla Deville
• Amber Ray
• Marlo Fisken
• Pantera
• Fawnia Dietrich
• And so on.

The list of potential Pole Crush Objects is longer than that set out above, and highly individual. Symptoms of Pole Crush include: inane and uncontrollable giggling, blushing, tendency to say stupid things (or, worse, complete inability to say or do anything at all, other than dumbstruck goldfish-like gawping), insistence on being photographed with the Pole Crush Object (no matter how sweaty and dishevelled you look after a long workshop), paying ridiculous amounts of money for the privilege of looking uncoordinated in workshops with the Pole Crush, dying of happiness when the Pole Crush likes one of your facebook posts... and many more. 

To date, no known cure is available for the Pole Crush. 

Tip 4: Must Have Highly Developed Stalker Abilities
Your average pole dancer knows more about other pole dancers living in other countries than s/he knows about their next door neighbour. Pole dancers have stalking abilities that would impress an FBI agent. I bet you can pass the following quiz easily, without even having to check:

1. Alethea Austin's favourite drink?
2. Felix Cane's signature tattoo?
3. Jenyne Butterfly's city of residence?
4. Zoraya Judd's husband's name?
5. The name of your Pole Crush's pet? 

Tip 4 is essential in satisfying your obligations under Tip 3. 

Tip 5: Must Have an Encyclopaedic Knowledge of Every Pole Move Performed Since the Dawn of Time

I bet you can remember who first performed the Spatchcock, and who is responsible for the Deville/Jade split, even if you have trouble remembering your own phone number or your dad's birthday.

Tip 6: Fiercely held Pole Principles

The pole dancer has his/her beliefs, and will stick to them, no matter how persuasive your arguments. These include:

1. Pole dancing should ALWAYS be done in stripper shoes.
2. Pole dancing should NEVER be done in stripper shoes.
3. Gymnastics has no place in pole dance. 
4. Contemporary dance has no place in pole dance.  
5. Stripper style dance is superior.
6. Stripper style dance is the history of pole dance. Contemporary pole is the future. 
7. You're not a "real dancer" if you only have pole training. 
8. Pole should be in the Olympics.
9. Pole should NEVER be in the Olympics!
10. Boys should be welcomed. 
11. NO BOYS!!! Well, maybe only gay boys. Maybe. If they behave. 

So on some topics, we're as conflicted as we are united on others. Fortunately, it seems we're all ok with agreeing to disagree. For now. 

Tip 7: A Rose by Any Other Name...

Pole dancers experience a sense of smug satisfaction when they discover what their pole friends' real names are... Wait, you mean to say that her mother didn't have the foresight to actually name her Crystal Light Rainflower?? Her real name is Gertrude Richardson?? Wow. 

Tip 8: Irrational distrust of all other forms of exercise

By and large, pole dancers tend to resist fiercely all other forms of exercise, including running, going to the gym, and anything that involves cardio, really. But that's only because all forms of physical exertion other than pole dance are well known to be inferior and not worthy of our time. 

Tip 9: The Pole Nemesis

The Pole Nemesis is the antithesis to the Pole Crush. The Pole Nemesis is that one pole dancer in your studio, a different studio, or even in a different country, who just bugs you for no apparent reason. If great care is not taken, the pole dancer can become convinced that everything the Pole Nemesis does is intentionally done just to bug the pole dancer. There is no rational foundation for this condition, and as with Tip 3, there is no known cure. 

Tip 10: Drunk pole dancing in public 

While sober, pole dancers will try to eliminate the possibility of drunken pole dancing in public ("alcopoling") by employing one of the following strategies while dressing for a night out:

1. wearing stockings;
2. wearing long pants;
3. wearing a g-string so skimpy that even when drunk the pole dancer will be less inclined to invert publicly;
4. publicly stating that certain venues with poles are off-limits.

Of course, after a few drinks are consumed, stockings/pants come off, full briefs are borrowed from friends, and prior statements retracted - woohoo let's climb those poles, biatchezzzz!!! Yeeeehaaaa!!

Drunk pole dancing in public is always followed by a bout of Public Pole Dancer's Remorse the next day. Unfortunately the intensity of the remorse is never sufficient to prevent future incidents of Drunk Pole Dancing in Public.

Miscellaneous Tips
Your pole dancer is also likely to:

• be intensely proud of his/her bruises;
• want to climb street signs and be photographed doing so;
• challenge boys in bars to push up contests;
• have the disgusting habit of peeling callouses in public;
• own a large collection of dress shorts;
• shudder when s/he estimates how much of his/her income is spent on pole dancing;
• justify that it's much better to spend money on pole dancing than on alcohol and drugs;
• know exactly what s/he is looking for in the crotch of a pair of knickers; and
• plan significant life events and holidays around important dates in the pole calendar; and
• be able to walk, dance and run in stripper heels, but struggle to stay upright in regular high heels.  

So there you have it - a few tips on understanding the Pole Dancer. Please feel free to add your own below :-)

Shimmy xx